Pioneer Woman’s Apple Dumplings

My mom visited a month ago, and just before she left I called her and said, “Mom?” The End.

No, that wasn’t really the end. I just like to do that sometimes. I said, “Mom? Will you please bring your recipes?” Then I batted my eyelashes and waited for her answer.

Sure,” she said. And I jumped for joy. Because you see, my mom’s “recipes” amount to two enormous—like, the most gargantuan I’ve ever seen—three-ring binders stuffed with plastic sleeves that contain every wonderful, fabulous recipe she’s used since The Dark Ages, or at least since around 1968. She still collects and tests recipes, so her plastic sleeves are updated with modern, interesting foods.

So I have a confession to make, seriously. When I looked forward to my mother’s visit, all I could think about was getting my hands on her recipe binders…and honestly, I secretly had the thought, Maybe she’ll forget them and leave them at my house. Then, while she was here and I was tidying up the kitchen, I “absentmindedly” put the binders in my pantry so they’d be out of the way. And sure enough, when she pulled away from my house the following Monday morning and drove back to Tennesse, she did so without her binders. And I’ve had them ever since.

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I’ll have to make my peace with God about whether or not I subliminally, subconsciously, maybe, sorta, kinda, willed her recipe binders into being left here, but boy howdy, have I had some fun with those suckers! One of the first things I zeroed in on was this recipe for Apple Dumplings. Emailed to her by a friend known only as “Donna,” it uses Granny Smith apples, Pillsbury Crescent Rolls, and…GULP: a can of Mountain Dew. Oh, and more butter than you’ve ever seen on this website, ever. I had no idea what to expect, but it looked so easy, I had to try.

The result? I had to throw the pan away. These apple dumplings were SO indescribably delicious after I took one bite to try them out, I proceeded to take thirty-four more. Then I became racked with guilt, fear, and shame, and I took another bite. Then I tossed the pan into the garbage. They were evil. And they had to be destroyed.

Please continue to Next Page (>) for the full cooking ingredients and instructions.